But I 39-m. Cheerleader [Desktop]

It took a philosophy professor—of all people—to cure me. We were discussing performative utterance, the idea that saying something makes it so. I raised my hand and gave an example from the football field: a cheerleader shouts “Defense!” and suddenly thirty thousand people are stomping in unison. The professor smiled and said, “That’s not performative. That’s magic.”

I mean: you see a skirt. I see armor.

I didn’t mention my three-inch binder of sources. Instead, I said: “But I’m a cheerleader.” but i 39-m. cheerleader

I mean: I have spent years training my body to be a megaphone. I know how to rally a crowd that is losing faith. I know that the difference between chaos and a routine is the breath between the count of seven and the count of eight. I know that spirit is not a fluffy word—it is the decision to keep your arms sharp and your voice bright when every muscle in you wants to quit. It took a philosophy professor—of all people—to cure me

So go ahead. Underestimate the girl with the pompoms. The professor smiled and said, “That’s not performative

The deeper wound, the one that took me longer to name, is that I used to say “but I’m a cheerleader” as an apology. I would be in an advanced literature seminar, and someone would mention that I cheered, and I would rush to add: “But I also read Pynchon. I’m getting a 4.0. I promise I’m not just—” And I would stop, because I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Not just what ? Pretty? Loud? Happy? A girl who claps?

The room went still. He blinked. I watched him try to fit that square peg into the round hole of his insult. In his mind, cheerleader meant pompoms, spirit fingers, the girl who lifts others up so they can score. It did not mean logical fallacies, eye contact during a rebuttal, or a closing statement that made the judge nod. He had called me frivolous. I had agreed with him—and then redefined the entire dictionary.